‘The Case of ‘Swiss’ Tony’s Thumb and the Lady Mayoress’ (The End, posted - 4th)

[Mad Lord Snapcase]

I am in the midst of hosting an on-line game. The figures, table, scenery etc. are at my house but the participants, Doug em4 and Vagabond are playing by e-mail and WhatsApp. Turn 3 finished yesterday but I cannot show all the photos yet as the players cannot see everything their opponent is up to. I think in the turn that is about to happen this morning, the players will have a view of everything. As a consequence, I am going to post the preamble and preliminary events here.

It all started with a dropped Spangles wrapper, one beautiful June morning in Much-Piddling. Admiral Horatio Toastrack KCB Retd. (he of The Laurels, Moist Lane, Lower Much-Piddling) was taking his dog Rodney for a walk on the Much-Piddling village green.

Having let Rodney off the lead, the keen-eyed old seadog noticed that Rodney seemed to have found something of interest by the phone box. Upon further investigation the old buffer was outraged to discover it was litter. To wit, a Spangles wrapper and several of the empty individual sweet wrappers gently wafting to and fro in the light breeze which was playfully blowing across the green.

Immediately grasping the seriousness of the situation, Toastrack was straight into the phone box dialling 999.

“Gasforth Police Station. Sergeant Patricia Dawkins speaking.”

Forgetting for once, his misogynistic view on women in the force, Horatio managed to splutter out the words “Bloody litter louts, Much-Piddling village green” before collapsing in an apoplectic fit, to the floor of the phone box.

Patricia, contrary to Horatio’s misguided thoughts on the matter, was exactly the right sort of person to be a police sergeant. Instantly, she rang through to the crew room to alert the officers on duty.

Meanwhile, at the Mottled Earwig pub in Wittleford-cum-Bagsley, Inspector Raymond Fowler was lunching with his old friend and colleague, Frank Hawley. In the old days, Raymond and Frank had been best pals at Hendon Police College as cadets in their formative years with Her Majesty’s Police Force. Frank was now a Detective Chief Inspector at Scotland Yard and commander of the legendary Flying Squad. ‘The Sweeny’ as they were known to the underworld. Raymond was feeling a little self-conscious in view of the fact the he was a lowly Inspector running the uniform branch at a country police station in Gasforth. It was a far cry from those halcyon days at Hendon when the world had seemed to be their oyster!

The woodentops were in the crew room at Gasforth nick playing dominoes when the call came in. “Get orff yer aris and pick up the dog, Goody” demanded Detective Inspector Derek Grim from the CID office. Grim, having been introduced by Raymond to the commander of the Flying Squad, was trying out a bit of cockney rhyming slang. When Patricia had explained the situation to Kevin Goody, Grim shouted to the assembled officers, “Right, listen in, you lot. This is the big one. We’ve a litter lout on the loose in Much-Piddling and a visiting DCI from Scotland Yard. Let’s nick the bugger and show the Sweeny how it’s done in Gasforth. I'm not having you disgracing this station with a load of wishy-washy, diddums, half-cock, up your social worker, foldy-roll 'blame it on society', psycho-sicko-socio-claptrap crap! You make a cock up, my arse is on the line. Get it? Your cock up, my arse!” he emphasised.

As PC Goody and WPC Habib ran for the squad car, Goody had something on his mind, "If I'm late for my tea today, my mum's going to do her raving nana!" he opined.

With great presence of mind, Patricia rang the landlord of the Mottled Earwig, one Preston Starch who summoned Raymond to the phone. Patricia quickly briefed Raymond on the emergency and he decided to attend in person, inviting along Frank. Abandoning the remnants of their Mottled Earwig Cheese Ploughmans (you’ll be lucky to finish this, the menu declared ominously), they drove to the scene in Gasforth nick’s Hillman Imp.

Virtually the entire available force from Gasforth arrived en masse in Much-Piddling. Inspector Fowler had them all arranged to conduct a finger-tip search right across the green.

After several fruitless hours of searching the green for clues, Raymond arranged for his men to be fed at the local fish and chip shop, aptly named ‘Good Pie, Mr. Chips’.

Frank had only popped in for lunch but in view of the late hour, Raymond invited Frank to stay overnight with him and Patricia. Raymond and Patricia lived together in an upstairs flat in Gasforth. Patricia called in at the local fishmongers to get some haddock for their tea. Raymond cleared away the Airfix 1/72 Lancaster Bomber he was working on from their kitchen table and soon, he and Frank were drinking halves of light ale and reminiscing about the old days.

Thus it was, that Frank was on hand to lend his old cadet chum a helping hand in the biggest case ever to occur in the vicinity of Much-Piddling. Later, the denizens of Fleet Street came to refer to it as ‘The Case of ‘Swiss’ Tony’s Thumb and the Lady Mayoress’.

This is how it began…

Big time crime boss ‘Swiss’ Tony Cowie was facing a Crown Court trial soon for his part in the Market Snodsbury bank job. His brief, Horace Rumpole had him out on bail but there’s no doubt that ‘Swiss’ was going down for a long stretch. One of the bank staff was shot in the raid, so it’s a murder charge. Carelessly, Tony left a perfect thumb print at the scene. The evidence is safely locked up in the Evidence Room at nearby Gasforth nick, under the stern eye of Inspector Raymond Fowler.

Tony’s bird, Mimsie Slopcorner has come up with a cunning plan. Knowing that Raymond Fowler is a former schoolmate of the current Mayoress, Mimsie suggests kidnapping her and getting Raymond to hand over the incriminating print in exchange for the safe return of the Mayoress. Then the case against Tony would collapse.

'Swiss' Tony Cowie and Mimsie Slopcorner

The plan is a good one as Raymond has always had a secret crush for Dame Christabelle Wickham QC, the Mayoress since he sat next to her at Gasforth Junior School. The Cowie Firm duly kidnap Christabelle Wickham but they have not reckoned on Raymond’s sense of duty. Unwilling to hand over ‘Swiss’ Tony’s thumb print, Fowler calls on the services of an old friend of his from those Hendon days when they were cadets together. Of course, it is none other than the legendary Flying Squad commander DCI Frank Hawley. Frank of course, is renowned for breaking the Phantom Batter-Pudding Hurler case wide open in Bexhill-on-Sea. He also retrieved the famed Mukkinese Battle Horn when it was stolen from The Clam of Chowder. By sheer luck, Frank is already in Gasforth as a guest at Raymond’s flat.

‘Swiss’ is holed up in Snapcase Hall in Much-Piddling. The owner, the Earl of Snapcase is away for the season in Monte Carlo. ‘Swiss’ has rented the Hall and estate via the offices of Blush, Cringe and Flinch (Quality Estate Agents) to provide himself with a safe-house for the kidnapped Mayoress and assorted ‘muscle’ from his gang.

Unbeknownst to Tony one of his gang is a nark and has phoned the location of the Cowie Firm and the kidnapped Mayoress into the local nick at Gasforth (had it been the nark who had so carelessly littered the green with his Spangles wrappers?).

DI Derek Grim, DC Gary Boyle and Inspector Raymond Fowler are on the case…

[Mad Lord Snapcase]

THE VILLAINS

Doug has appropriately taken the part of the big-time gangster 'Swiss' Tony Cowie and Vagabond is playing the part of hard-bitten Sweeny commander, DCI Frank Hawley.

Here are some photos of the Cowie Firm. Not all can be revealed at present as parts of the game remain opaque to the participants.

L to R: Terry Shortcake, Dinsdale Piranha, 'Swiss' Tony, Doug Piranha, Verne Cocklecarrot

Verne is Tony’s hitman. Verne started his career as a psychopath at an early age. Firstly by pulling the wings off insects, then tying fireworks to cats’ tails, he finally graduated in his teens to setting fire to sleeping tramps, well ‘Mariah Carey’.

Doug and Dinsdale are Tony’s minders, their favourite trick, nailing people’s heads to the floor!

“Presenter: One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

Vince: Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads off whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor.”

L to R: Frank 'Snorter' Bough, Bifferidge 'Biffa' Bacon, Bertie 'Knuckles' Strangelove, Eric 'Brains' Daft

L to R: Otis 'The Enforcer' Spunkmeyer, ex-Major Crispin Carshalton Cadwallader

Otis ‘The Enforcer’ Spunkmeyer is originally from the famous baking family but Otis got in with the wrong crowd. Very tasty in a ruck! ex-Major Crispin Carshalton Cadwallader (note the Guards tie) was cashiered from the Coldstream Guards after it was discovered he was embezzling the Mess Funds.

Dame Christabell Wickham QC was last seen being bundled in to a Pickfords Dormobile with a sack over her head.

The Cowie Firm checking out the environs of Snapcase Hall.

Some more members of the Firm, not yet mentioned. In the red top left of Mimsie is Elsie Tanner, a local tom. Elsie grew up on the council estate and was very popular at Gasforth Secondary Modern (when she wasn’t bunking off)! She acts as a look-out for ‘Swiss’ Tony’s hide-out, she’s a natural for standing around on street corners. She’s holding her hands in that rather odd position because she’s saying “I ‘ad a ruby last night, must ‘ave been dodgy, I’ve got a right nasty case of Tia Maria!”

Right of Doug Piranha is ‘Camp’ Freddie who you will of course, remember from the Italian Job. Camp Freddie looked after Mr Bridger's operations outside of jail. Camp Freddie now works for ‘Swiss’ Tony and is ‘brain’ rather than brawn! Freddie is seen here wearing his purple crushed-velvet suit, blue suede shoes and sipping a Crème de Menthe.

Right of 'Camp' Freddie is Dame Christabelle Wickham QC, Lady Mayoress of Gasforth. She was abducted on her way home from a Charity Ball, hence the evening gown.

[Mad Lord Snapcase]

THE PLOD

Frank and Raymond have had to assemble a scratch-force of 'bules to assist in the rescue of the Lady Mayoress. Most of CID have gone down the pub (the Pink Pelican Inn at Higgleford-cum-Wortlebury-beneath-the-Hill is very popular with CID officers) or are off to see a bird (it's the late '60s or early '70s, kipper ties, side-burns and flares are the order of the day).

Here are some of Gasforth's finest, ready to take on the infamous Cowie Firm.

L to R: DCI Frank Hawley, DI Derek Grim
(Grim really needs to learn where he should be pointing his shooter)

L to R: PC George Gently, Sergeant 'Fancy' Smith, PC Frank Gladstone

L to R: Inspector Raymond Fowler, Sergeant Patricia Dawkins

(looks like Pat has overdone the lippy again)

L to R: Jason King, 'Camp' Freddie

You may be forgiven for thinking that the figure on the left is Doug em4 in his younger days. The very model of sartorial elegance as he wanders up and down the Kings Road in the early ‘70s, chatting up the mini-skirted dolly-birds. However, you would be mistaken as it is in fact Jason King from Department S. Department S as you are no doubt aware, is a division of Interpol headed by international bureaucrat Sir Curtis Seretse. Its headquarters is in Paris and its members investigate international cases that other crime agencies cannot solve. Jason King will be on hand to advise the police if required in the abduction of the Lady Mayoress.

King is seen here pumping 'Camp' Freddie for information.

L to R: Elsie Tanner, DC Barbara 'Babs' Windsor

Babs is from Cheapside and is the first female in Gasforth CID. Inspector Grim was going to fail her on her first day as a probationary DC but then observed a fascinating phenomena. Part of Babs’ anatomy can appear in the CID office a significant time before the rest of her makes an appearance. Grim has told her that she can make the tea and do the paperwork (it’s the late '60s to early ‘70s remember).

As Jason King is pumping Freddie, Babs is pumping Elsie!

...and last but not least, some of the Gasforth woodentops.

L to R: PC George Dixon, WPC Jane Tennison, PC Robert Lewis, PC Kevin Goody, WPC Maggie Habib

[Mad Lord Snapcase]

POLICE BRIEFING

Subject:  Operation Hampton Wick

Location: Snapcase Hall, Much-Piddling, Mid-Devon

Time:  01:00am, Thursday 4th June, 1973

DCI Frank Hawley, Flying Squad

“Alright, alright you lot, shut it! Here’s what’s going down. In the early hours of Sunday May 31st, Dame Christabelle Wickham QC was making her way home from the Charity Ball at Gasforth Town Hall. Dame Christabelle is the Mayoress of Gasforth. Armed persons unknown, wearing balaclavas, stopped her taxi in Bloody Lane, Higgleford-cum-Wortlebury-beneath-the-Hill, just before the Pink Pelican Inn. Dame Christabelle was heading for her country residence in Fannys Bottom. She was last seen by the taxi driver being bundled into a Pickfords Dormobile with a sack over her head.

Inspector Fowler here, your station officer at Gasforth nick, has been the victim of an extortion attempt. An anonymous caller offered to release the mayoress in return for ‘Swiss’ Tony’s thumbprint evidence from the Market Snodsbury bank heist. Obviously ‘Swiss’ and his scrotes are involved in the kidnapping.

Inspector Fowler of course, would not succumb to this intimidation and requested the help of a Flying Squad officer, hence my arrival. You woodentops are not used to dealing with mad geezers such as ‘Swiss’ Tony but you are all I’ve got for the moment.

The only lead we have is that one of DI Grim’s narks says a dodgy gang of slags has rented Snapcase Hall in Much-Piddling for the summer. We believe this is the hide-out for ‘Swiss’ Tony. We don’t know how many of the Cowie Firm (‘Swiss’ Tony Cowie’s gang) are likely to be involved, so you are all coming with me to get the mayoress out of their grubby little Germans. All we have is this sketch map drawn by Derek Grim’s nark. It’s not very detailed so we are going to have to go in sneaky-beaky like.

‘Swiss’ Tony is so hard you could roller-skate on him. He hates coppers and has already served porridge for GBH and attempted murder on a rival scrote. Handle this geezer with care, he is bound to be armed. He will probably have his minders with him, Doug and Dinsdale Piranha. They are both as thick as a docker’s sandwich but Dinsdale has a nasty habit of nailing people’s heads to the floor, so watch out! There will be more of these slags, but we just don’t know who.

We are going to go in quiet-like at night. Derek Grim’s nark is supposed to phone us and let us know where any guards are likely to be situated, so nothing happens until we get that call. In the meantime, get yourselves tooled up and send that PC Goody to get us all a bag of chips. I’m the Sweeny son, and I ain’t had me dinner!”

The following may be of some help to those of you not well-versed in Cockney rhyming slang. 'Ave some of that, my son!

[Blackwolf]

Brilliant!

[Captain Blood]

How lovely 

Has clearly kept you amused for some considerable time already 

[Plynkes]

Loved those old Police Hillmans, that looked like they were painted with leftovers originally intended for the underside of a Messerschmitt.    I didn't see "Berkshire Hunt" (or Berk) on the Rhyming Slang Dictionary. Just as well, I guess, as it's one of the few words that the LAF profanity filter will actually jump on and cart off in a black van.

What do yo think of that then, you bunch of c***s?

Hehe! See? 





Nice one! Dick I Chavvy! It's the mudtown slosher! Know what I mean, eh? Know what I mean? (No, I bloody don't!)

[Michi]

Am I bovvered?


I guess I am. Keep on reporting what will happen! 

[gamer Mac]

Looking forward to the after action report

[Mad Lord Snapcase]

Many thanks all, for your very kind comments. I am having a great time with all this nonsense and nostalgia, I hope Doug and Vagabond are too.

I didn't see "Berkshire Hunt" (or Berk) on the Rhyming Slang Dictionary. Just as well, I guess, as it's one of the few words that the LAF profanity filter will actually jump on and cart off in a black van.

         Funnily enough, when I was at school donkeys ears ago (just after the Boer War!) we used to call each other 'berks' without having a clue what it meant!

Dick I Chavvy! It's the mudtown slosher! Know what I mean, eh? Know what I mean?

Lovely jubbly, sweet as a nut!

You may enjoy 'Swiss' Tony's briefing to his Firm before the game started so I will reproduce it here:

“Listen in, scrotes, Tony’s rabbiting. Germans out of your Sky Rockets and Bottles of Beer open. I want Rory McGrath of you to case the joint at the Snapcase Emporium tonight. This is the Greengages blag I told you about. I need one of you slags to Back Yard the Wickham bird and the Birds Nest of you are going to be Back Yarding this Bicycle Pump all through the Marmite. My Bag for Life and I will be Zigging and Zagging, so do not Mixed Herb. Got it?”

In order to avoid confusion, I will attempt to translate Tony’s rabbit into English.

“Listen in, chaps, Tony is talking. Please remove your hands from your pockets and open your ears. I want half of you to reconnoitre the Snapcase Emporium tonight. This is related to my plan to steal the wages delivery. I would like one of you to guard our kidnap victim, the Lady Mayoress. The rest of you chaps if you would oblige, I would like you to spend the night guarding Snapcase Hall. Mimsie and I intend to indulge in sexual intercourse and would like not to be disturbed. Is this clear?”

I have to say that Doug and Vagabond are getting into the spirit of the game. The usual plethora of insults have been exchanged by e-mail. Vagabond has produced his Incident Board which is part of his briefing as DCI Hawley at Gasforth Nick. It is a thing of beauty and I post it here so you can share the fun. I love it!

The yellow rectangles on the Hall photos indicate possible entry points.

[Mad Lord Snapcase]

THE GAME'S AFOOT

Security has been kept tight down the Gasforth nick. DCI Hawley has some concerns that details of his planned raid on Snapcase Hall may leak out via a bent copper. Consequently, he's allowed none of the woodentops to go home and get an extra jumper or even pick up some spam sandwiches, harsh indeed! He's even disconnected the phone lines! PC Goody knows his mum will be doing her raving nana! He's only got a packet of Spangles left, after eating his Crunchie and a Mars Bar earlier.

The nark has come good and Patricia Dawkins has picked up the sketch of the guard positions from a dead-drop. The raid is on!

(As the police, all Vagabond has to work with, to make his plans is the sketch map. Doug can make his dispositions with the aid of detailed plans and photos as he is in possession of the Hall and grounds.)

In the dead of night, the rescue force sets out in their vehicles to a secret rendezvous in a field behind Cold Comfort Farm. DI Grim has bribed Amos Starkadder, the farmer with a ten-bob note to keep shtum about the coppers arrival. Unfortunately, as they exit their vehicles it comes on to rain. By happy chance, the plod have found the burnt-out remains of the Pickfords van used to kidnap Dame Christabelle Wickham QC. DCI Hawley gives his final briefing to the assembled 'bules and concludes by hoping that this shower will pass by the time they begin their assault.

A very short video.

As they begin their night time trudge through the mud towards Snapcase Hall, more than one plod is starting to discover that adrenaline is brown!

[Mad Lord Snapcase]

Gone a bit Pete Tong here!   

This post should have been posted before the raid began, however a senior moment occurred.   

In the planning stage, Vagabond was very keen to get hold of better plans than the sketch map he had been given. He dispatched some coppers to visit the aforementioned estate agents to obtain the plans of Snapcase Hall. In a bid to foil him (as I wanted him to work from the sketch only) I came up with the following guff to defeat his cunning plan.


DCI Hawley thinking on his feet, has dispatched 'Fancy' Smith and Maggie Habib to the premises of Blush, Cringe and Flinch - Quality Estate Agents of Much-Piddling. The intention is to obtain more detailed information regarding the layout of Snapcase Hall.

Here is an extract from Frank Hawley's briefing and planning session.

Get me a plan of the Hall from that estate agent, I don’t care what time of night it is send the blues and twos and get them out of bed and those plans in my hands in 2 hours. Smith you take Habib and don’t take no for an answer from the Agents. At the very least I want to know where they might be holding the target, my bet is either in the top of the house or the basement but I need more information.

Accordingly, the two coppers get in the Hillman Imp squad car and switch on the 'blues and twos'. Travelling at high speed (in excess of 40m.p.h. in some places) they head towards the offices of Blush, Cringe and Flinch in Much-Piddling.

As they near there destination, Maggie starts to think there may be a problem. She can hear other 'blues and twos' in the vicinity. "somethings not right, Sarge" she says. As they brake to a halt, the startling truth becomes clear. The offices of Blush, Cringe and Flinch are ablaze.

After having a word with the Fire officer, one Captain Flack, Maggie discovers that the firemen suspect arson. Meanwhile, 'Fancy' is having a word with a near neighbour about the whereabouts of the occupants of the blazing office. It transpires that they and their families have gone on an all-expenses paid holiday to the Caribbean. Apparently an anonymous well-wisher thought they deserved a decent break, away from the stresses of business in Much-Piddling. 'Fancy' and Maggie confer and decide that undoubtedly 'Swiss' Tony has had a hand in this and is clearing away any loose ends. The pair of disappointed coppers return to the nick empty-handed, ready to face the wrath of DCI Hawley. Not a great start to Operation Hampton Wick!

[Doug ex-em4]

That sketch map the Old Bill have got hold of explains a lot. When I get hold of that nark I’ll treat him to a long, slow look at his own insides.....

Doug
aka Swiss Tony

[gamer Mac]

loving it 

[serran]

Great entertainment!