A Very Important Person

[Silbuster]

Mr Very Important Person basked in the mirror and his own high regard. For himself. He checked his left side in the glass. Yes, that looked important. With a stately twirl he brought the right profile around for inspection. Even more important. Marvellous. Stepping forwards he adjusted his bow tie. My word, it is nice being important. Stepping out of the front door, he paused to give the world a chance to appreciate his true importance. An important bullet flew past his left ear. He froze in a pool of his own importance. That’s going to be one important cleaner’s bill.

“I have a cunning plan.”, smiled Lestrade.
“Heaven help us. Let me hazard a guess, Lestrade. Your plan wouldn’t feature a lot of frontal charges by any chance, would it?”
“You hear that, do you?”, said the chief urchin to his chums. “That’s Mr Holmes, that is. He’s a sharp one, he is!”
“Now now, Holmes, Let us be fair here, old chap. Lestrade’s a decent fellow, you know.”
“You hear that, do you?”, said the chief urchin to his mates. “That’s Dr Watson, that is. He’s a good sort, he is!”
“Well, bless my soul Mr Holmes! However did you work that one out. Yes indeed, I think simplicity is called for in this particular instance.”
“You hear that, do you?”, said the chief urchin. “That’s…”
Holmes smacked him sharply on the back of the head.
“Extraordinary Holmes.”
Holmes manfully resisted the temptation of rapping his knuckles on the back of Watson’s head.
“Follow me, Watson!”
“Where, Holmes?”
“That’s Dr Watson, that is!”, said the chief urchin, just before taking off and flying backwards through the  nearest window.

Maggie “Baby Face” Hill watched in some perplexity, which is a nice trick if you can manage it, as the elite of the Yard barrelled towards them apparently elbowing each other and grabbing at each other’s jackets in a bid to be at the front.

“It’s got to be diversion. Where’s the rest of them?”
“That’s them! Sneaking round the sides. The gits.”, explained Dolly, the more proper brought up of the two.
“Well, two can play at that game, me old bone china. Oi Blondie! Put your **** away and take a posse around the right. You lot with me around the left. The rest of you, sit tight and try and blow their ***** off.”

Shades of Hannibal as a tactician and the oratory of Mark Anthony. We are privileged indeed.

The kicking, backstabbing, jostling mob known as “The Governors” arrived within earshot of the Very Important Person and then milled about getting in each other’s way to the extent that nobody could get a clear shot at the forty thieves. PC Scuttlebutt cast his eyes to the heavens and was on the point of some witty, world-weary, scintillating put down when Miss Blue Pants put a hole in his long service medal. The assembled yobs masquerading as officers of Her Majesty relaxed their grip on each other’s lapels and gazed down at the punctured Plod.

“Now look what you’ve done!”

Maggie let loose with her shotgun and missed. Her troops looked at her exspectantly. In time honoured fashion, she lost her rag completely and launched herself at the Yard’s soft underbelly, whirling the shotgun around her head like a claymore. The Yard’s soft underbelly, otherwise known as PC Mulch, did not wait for it to connect with his head but fainted clean away leaving Sergeant Red gazing upwards at six feet five inches of The Lady in Black. If only he’d thrown that sickie.

With realisation sinking in as fast as the thieves’ knives into regulation blue serge, the officers of the realm finally started to realise that they had more to contend with than bruised egos. Miss Velvet was knocked for six as they finally opened fire on the enemy.

Gert Scully cunningly concealed herself in a convenient doorway and primed her Brick Lane Bottle. She had these big bluebottles buzzing in just the right position for a communal bonfire. Taking careful aim, she bent her arm back. The Bottle slipped from her grasp and sailed out of the rear window. Cool and calm as ever, she released her stored tension by kicking the door to pieces.

With the VIP only yards away, Lestrade made the brilliant decision of taking him into protective custody in the middle of a shooting range.

“Come with me, sir! You’ll be safe with me.”

A veritable cacophany of sound interrupted Lestrade as the Very Important Person became a Ventilated Important Persion.

“Unbelievable!”
“That’s Mr Holmes that….”
The chief urchin sailed majestically off into the sunset. Steam power will never compete with a well placed boot.

“Hell’s teeth, we’ve barely got started and we’ve run out of Very Important People already. Does anybody know someone with a spare?”
“I think there’s one over near Clapham Common.”
“Right, don’t all rush at once."

To be continued….

[The_Beast]

*sniff* I think the august Mr. Holmes was used rather badly here... 

Doug