Terrible news is just coming in regarding the expedition to the Lost World. It seems that we must prepare for the worst. As all will be aware, after the success of Professor Challenger in locating a world left over from the primeval, Very Special Branch was assigned the hazardous task of returning with a live specimen. With the eminent Inspector Strange in command, regular reports of the search have been enlivening our lives for some months. But no longer. Now, the silence is deafening. Or so we thought. We go over without further delay to our South American correspondent on ARC TV.
Thank you, my good Sir. Until a little while back, the fate of the good Inspector and his men was a mystery as dark as the Black Lagoon. Now we have a sensation on our hands. But hours ago, a mad midget mumbling mindlessly meandered into this small settlement on the borders of the territory where men fear to tread. She claims to be the sole survivor of the nefarious band known as the Country House Mob and, since she is not native to this dreadful place, then there is every reason to believe her. I now relate her chilling tale. You must prepare yourselves for the shockingly dreadful.
It seems that Inspector Strange was not alone in seeking a live specimen. Attracted by the astronomical price a live dinosaur would attract, an expedition by members of the criminal band known as the Country House Mob was also searching for their next pay rise. As they emerged onto a clearing of patchy trees and a couple of rises, they spotted a baby dino. Just the right size for wrapping into a parcel and posting home. Moving cautiously so as not to startle the little fellow, they were startled to run into Inspector Strange’s team coming out of the trees and an entire company of Turkish infantry appearing over the top of a rise. Everybody looked at each other incredulously and then reacted in time honoured fashion when presented with uninvited guests. As one they immediately opened fire.
To say that the Turks had the better of it would be an understatement. Smirking Poirot (Hercule’s evil twin) started smoking the minute the machine gun bullets hit him which also destroyed the arc generator he was carrying. The chauffeur, standing nearby, stood no longer. Colonel Saunders trundled his Kentucky Frying Arc Cannon hurriedly away from the disaster while the pygmies tried a diversionary advance on Inspector Strange’s men. A move brought short by a hit from an arc rifle which turned the lead dwarf into a Roman Candle. The Turks and Very Special Branch exchanged volleys which cured the madness of two of Strange’s men while Barmy Brenda’s arc rifle exploded in her hands. The humidity here is the very devil with the new weaponry. Mind you, being hit by an arc weapon in these wet places is unexpectedly dramatic too. Standing in the open on a rise, one of the Turks was hit by return fire. As he lit up, a lightning bolt flashed down from the low clouds to join in the fun. All that was left was a mist of black smoke…
The gnome reported that, with a quarter of his people and over half his rifles down, the “Strange One in the Purple Suit” fell back from the Turks and ran into the pygmies. I’m afraid that it is my sad duty to report that here fell Vertical Vanessa and Sergeant Barking. Cut down to size not by the pygmies, but shot in the back by the Turks. The Devils! With only Barmy Brenda and Captain Black left to him, Inspector Strange cut his way through the Toy Village People and circled around the back of one of the rises. Meanwhile, the criminals tried to outflank the Turks on the opposite side but were forced back with heavy losses. Only one Turk fell, skewered by the upthrust from a pygmy’s spear. By Heavens, that sounds painful! Even an arc rifle would have been preferable!
In desperation, one of the few remaining pygmies grabbed the diddy dinosaur and attempted to run off with it. Oops! At this point Tiny Tears became terribly agitated. It appears that suggestions that dinosaurs do not display familial affection may be a little premature. Two somewhat larger specimens of the same breed began running towards the pygmy and his prize. As to precisely how large these beasts were, given the expression on the small person’s face, then we should perhaps err on the enormous side of big. Certainly this seems to accord with the actions of the pixie with the embarrassing prize. He opted to run back towards the Turkish lines rather than stay and explain to Mum and Dad how he was just taking their son for walkies…
He never made it. In no man’s land, with the Turks and the remaining convicts-in-waiting exchanging fire over his head, the parents caught up with the little brigand. They wouldn’t swallow his screams as excuses, so they swallowed him instead. Freed from his clutches, the Little Lizard wandered towards the Turks. The “crocodiles on stilts” then decided to personally inform the Anatolians of their opinions regarding child care and charged them. The Turks did surprisingly well. Neatly side-stepping the lumbering ones, they managed to blow most of the criminal classes to kingdom come for no loss. Colonel Saunders’ Kentucky Frying Arc Cannon took a direct hit and he was last seen looking like a nugget of fried chicken disappearing into the lower cloud bank.
In such dire straits, Inspector Strange arranged a temporary truce with the Murderous Maid and her remaining Small People. However, one cannot trust the lower orders. They had barely turned their backs when Barmy Brenda’s back acquired more cutlery than the average Country House Kitchen. Turning swiftly about, Inspector Strange and Captain Black took their bloody revenge and then checked Brenda. It’s hard to tell with Brenda. Her normal expression is glazed verging towards catatonic. She may not be dead, only resting. Only time will tell. Normally it takes a whole flagon of gin to reanimate her and there was none to hand. Fortunately, your correspondent seems to have inadvertently packed several dozen of them in his luggage so we’ll have to see whether we can spare her one.
Inspector Strange and Captain Black exchanged serious glances and few words. The situation was perilous in the extreme and the time had come to do or die. They advanced towards the Turks and the Terrible Lizards just at the moment when the Criminal Cook made her last shortbread. In desperation, the penultimate suicidal short one decided to grab the gambolling gecko and leg it. He almost made it. He was but yards away from safety, with everybody in pursuit, when Mum and Dad put an unfriendly hand on his shoulder. There followed a short interview. Most of the terror came from the vertically challenged one but most of the Terror came from the Lizard. After Dad had had elevenses, Mum searched around for her share. Captain Black decided that discretion was the better part of Palaeontological Preposterosities and pootled off leaving a Turk as the next snack up. Mother grabbed the fez-wearing one while Father gazed in pride. Captain Black, “Carve His Name With Pride”, sidled back, grabbed MiniMe and made for home. Daddy was alerted by the wailings of his offspring. All sixteen million, six inch long, polished incisors in a wide welcoming smile, he hurtled towards Captain Black himself galloping towards a troop of Terrible Turks. Phew!
Inspector Strange dashed to intercept the fez-wearers as Father Fangs put a restraining ten-ton hand on Captain Black’s shoulder. Disdaining this sort of over familiarity so regrettably common in all senses of the word in these crude times, Black deftly avoided having fifteen new partings put into his coiffure, charged his truncheon and rammed it into the Lizard’s soft spot. Smoke came out of Daddy’s ears, his eyes rolled and he fell, never to rise. Burping discreetly, Mummy looked up to see neither Junior nor Daddy anywhere near but a suspiciously smoking heap far off. She set off to investigate at a speed that would not embarrass a cheetah. As Strange met the first two Turks, parried their knives and smacked the first one to the floor, he half-looked around at Captain Black. Would it be a double dino burger for the good Captain “Carve His Name With Pride”? A distinctly fuming Mater thought not and smashed him into the floor with her tail.
A footnote here. Captain Black is an expert at deception. I’ve played poker too often with the devil to be unaware of that. There is a good chance that the old fox was dissimulating. But what of Strange? On his own against six Turks and a dino yet to bag? According to the shrill shortie, “The Strange One in a Purple Coat” stepped over the recumbent form of the first idiot to tackle him hand-to-hand and moved determinedly towards the soldiers. The Turks breathed a sigh of relief as night fell. It was their lucky day.
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This is a variant on “Catch the Pigeon”. The pigeon is a young dinosaur. Little Larry. He has a mummy and daddy. If anyone captures the young dinosaur then daddy will immediately appear on the board edge at a point nearest to his child. Mummy will appear at the capturing company’s deployment point.
All three dinosaurs are treated as normal playing pieces except that any player may choose to activate an uncaptured dinosaur rather than one of his own team. Obviously, each dinosaur can only be activated once a turn like all other pieces. Once activated:
1/ Little Larry will move randomly D10 - 2 inches.
2/ Parent dinosaurs fight like crocodiles but move like wolves. They are terrifying and fearless. A parent dinosaur will attack the figure which has captured Larry, if possible. If this is not possible then it will attack the nearest figure to Larry which it is capable of reaching. If it cannot attack any of the other figures (which is a bit unlikely) then it will move at top speed towards Larry.
Each soldier taken out: 2
Each leader taken out: 5
Young dinosaur taken off the board at the company’s entry point: 20
Young dinosaur taken out: -20
20 January 2008, 12:30:20 PM