Evenin’ all,
Lestrade of the Yard here. Yes, we’re back. Well, mostly. To be honest, one of my kidneys is now clockwork. And as for where the key has to be inserted; I just don’t want to talk about it. It’s too horrible to contemplate. But the main thing is that I and the team are ready for action. Just as soon as somebody winds me up. For Heaven’s sake mind how you put that key, WPC Vanessa!… Yow!
Inspector Lestrade and the force’s finest plus WPC Super Sniper of the Yard (and top totty!)

Anyway, on receiving a report from her Majesty’s secret service that a vital message had gone astray, the Yard’s finest plus Very Special Branch entered a Pathan village just to the South of Wapping (immigration is just totally out of control, if you ask me!). It was immediately ascertained that the missive was attached to a foreign pigeon! You could tell by the way it was twirling its moustache. Treachery! Special Constable Speedy Sascha was detailed to grab the enemy agent while the rest fanned out to suppress criminal activity. And not a moment too soon! A troop of traditionalist Turkish twonks called the Okhrana and a ruthless gang of wrong’uns under the command of a criminal mastermind disguised as the Queen (God bless her!) were after the same prize. Undeterred, WPC Sascha (heroine of the Yard!) ran through a hail of bullets after the feathered one and arrested its scrawny neck. There was a moment of panic as a flightless chicken rocketed through the atmosphere and landed at her feet. It was a secret weapon of the regally criminal mastermind! Launched by catapult and trained to follow the nearest victim with ten pounds of dynamite attached to its back. An explosive chicken!!! Sadly for the nefarious ones, it was a dud. Sadly for the Turks, their marksman managed to avoid hitting WPC Sascha too. Doubtless, he was trying to shoot a non-existent barrel of explosives! As Sascha legged it for home, brave rozzers on the left were fighting the Turks hand-to-hand in the streets, in the houses and on the roofs. Something hideous emerged on the right from amongst the villains. Allegedly it had the power of mesmerism. In reality it had the face that sank a thousand oil tankers! And it tried to give PC StraightAsTheyCome the come on! I ask you! He did the only decent thing and shot it. He then proceeded to give it a good truncheoning to be sure. After all, clocking that visage would have made the Medusa blanche! Meanwhile, Sergeant Tough charged the villains’ scurvy scullery maid. You can trust Tough to take on the tough missions. He never made it. Her own boyfriend, the butler, shot her before he could. So there you have it. The butler did it.
Seeing that Sascha was making away with the vital missive, the forces of disorder largely gave up on murdering each other and made after her. (though they couldn’t resist a few shots in each other’s backs - typical of the criminal classes! There’s no honour amongst them.) Yet another b***** exploding chicken hurtled out of the sky in an effort to stop her. After a bit of clucking, it ran up to Sergeant Cork, aka the Big Red One. (How did we know that was going to happen eh? Because it happens every time doesn’t it? It’s redophobia discrimination, that’s what it is! Come on! Admit it!) who was engaged in a life or death struggle with a fez sporting comedian with a bayonet. Amazingly, Cork survived the poultry (poultry/paltry… get it? No? I don’t know why I bother…) explosion which blew away the Anatolian. What a turn up for the books! Cork’s first survival! Which is more that can be said for the enemy Queen (God bless her!). A time warp showed up (always do in Pathan villages near Watford as far as I can make out), out of which popped a Tyrannosaurus Rex from the Lost World which immediately went for some breakfast. Which turned out to be the fake Queen (God bless her!) together with the fanatic Turk she was attempting to fillet. The fanatic showed his courage by running off. The Queen (God bless her!), unable to reach the miniaturised flame thrower in her handbag, looked like becoming a becoming Rex burger (becoming/becoming? Play on words? No? Oh, please yourselves!). But not to worry, Mustapha Shot raked her with a machine gun before the dino could dine. There’s no honour amongst thieves, you know. A warrant has been issued for regicide. Give up now Mustapha. You’ll never make it!
As WPC Sascha crossed the winning line narrowly avoiding another exploding chicken, there was one sad note yet to play. Hercule Poirot, just out of hospital after sitting on an exploding barrel, was shot by a Turkish infantryman while searching one of the Pathan houses. What bad luck Herc. What a lousy time to choose to investigate the mystery of the Pathan village. It was nearly curtains for you!
Chief Inspector Lestrade of the Yard.
P.S. It is with great sadness that we report that WPC Vanessa, she who makes the rest of the force look like a large collection of very short-a****, was on the wrong end of bayonet. Not to worry. Much to the relief of the admirers of very short skirts, she’ll be back. Huzzah!
P.P.S This new band of wrong’uns are very wrong indeed. The country house mob are attempting to put their own queen on the throne. Catapult launched explosive homing chickens are reported to be the least of their new weapons. Hold onto your hats!
P.P.S. Very special Branch are the same as Special Branch but substitute an arc pistol or arc rifle for the carbine. Vanessa’s arc lance counts as a halberd but ignores armour (cost 9 points).
Sergeant Tough liaises with Very Special Branch.

P.P.P.P.S Give us a hand with this key, would you Vanessa?
P.P.P.P.P.S There are supposed to be some photos with this but it isn’t working too well at the moment.
Welcome, Guest. Please 
April 27, 2024, 06:30:09 PM
November 24, 2013, 05:55:06 AM
