Latest Crime Report from Olde London Towne

[Silbuster]

Evenin’ all,
Lestrade of the Yard here with another tale of terror from London’s crime sodden hinterland.

Subsequent to reports of a foreign gentleman being held captive, the Yard's finest crossed the Thames at the "Italian Bridge" in Little Venice. An area of London largely populated by shady types in regrettable clothes singing about ice cream. Sighting Professor Akir shackled to the inevitable exploding barrel on a nearby hill, we made slow progress across interminable bridges pursued by despicable offers from various gondoliers. Suddenly, the forces of the law were accosted by a kitchen cutlery waving horde determined to nab the fez wearing one for themselves. The inestimable Mr Holmes was assaulted by a peculiarly attired doxy accompanied by a very large gentleman with severe halitosis. Fortunately, WPC "Sniper" Sue put an end to the lady's poor dress sense. This occasioned the arrest of several bystanders making inappropriately enthusiastic comments regarding "bitch on bitch action". Sadly, lack of time meant that they had to be released with a cautionary kneecapping. Unbeknowst to the world's finest though, even as the cheeky Chinese were forming an orderly pile before the thin blue line, a team of frisky Frenchmen frog-hopped over the terrain and made off with the mad Egyptian. Despite the efforts of One-Hung-Lo to make Gallic chip suey, the Frenchies were still hopping as dusk fell. We were in hot pursuit.

Chief Inspector Lestrade of the Yard.

P.S. It is with great sadness that we record the demise of PCs Blenkinsop, Postlethwaite and Cork. Also a note has been sent to the French Embassy regarding the WAR CRIME committed when Doctor Watson was machine-gunned while attending to a fallen officer. It's scarcely cricket!

P.P.S. WPC Super Sniper Sue is our specialist gunnery officer:
Pluck 5+, FV +0, SV +2, Markswoman, Huntress, Hunting rifle, Magneto-static bodice. Hard as hell.

[Craig]

"Most entertaining Lestrade, most entertaining indeed. But I don't think that it will stand up in front of the Judge, so go home, sober up and come back when your recollections are a little more, shall we say, coherent?"
"Female police officers indeed, whatever next? Flying Monkeys?"
Chief Superintendent Abernathy, Scotland Yard.
 

[Eisenfaust]

As regards flying monkeys, see me after class. -- Charles Dodgson, Christ Church College, Oxford

[Legionnaire]

"Huzzah chaps, spiffing reading whatwhat?"