Diamond Annie here. I’m not very well. The armoured bodice stopped the machine gun bullets but it still feels as if somebody’s been playing the xylophone on my ribs with a sledgehammer. Sill, it could have been worse. After all, Big Bum Brenda did manage to cart us all to the hospital. It’s a good job she’s a strong girl. I suppose I should have known that the operation wasn’t going to go to plan when I accidentally hit the Bishop with my first shot. He’s in intensive care in the ward next door. Nice bloke. Managed to forgive me. Very Christian. Anyway, this is all ark about tots. I’ll start at the beginning.
Down at the Elephant and Castle we got news some geezers were muscling in on our manor; setting up shop at the Cathedral. Seems it was the Turkish secret service so they were unbelievers to boot! We decided to teach these twerps who this gaff belongs to. Easier said than done. We were all armed with light guns and stilettos so the gatling gun facing us as we came in the side door was a bit of a shock. So was the presence of the country house mob who were breaking in by the front door with their pygmy allies in the lead (WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?). They were backed up by flamethrowers and arc cannons. Put bluntly, our shotguns looked a bit angel cake by comparison. There was some talk of coming back later but Mad Mary charged the baskets anyway so we went in after her. Frankly, all hell let loose (sorry about the language Bish!). Me and the Lady in Black took up sniper positions while the girls piled in but, with no cover to speak of and everything bar heavy artillery coming back at us ,we didn’t get very far. Particularly as we had to take on both the fez wearers and the kitchen staff at the same time. Mad Mary’s charge ended when she skewered the Turkish pillock to her front but was shot down by the cook. Miss Dark Purple was torched by the pusillanimous Pretender to the Throne while knocked down so I put a bullet through the fake Queen’s head. Nice! Despite this, half of us were nursing GBH within ten minutes. The country house mob weren’t faring much better due to the amount of lead flying out from the Turkish ranks. Neither were the worshippers. I counted at least six vicars, nuns and the faithful gone for an early appointment with St Peter. Then a chance shot hit the incense burner which went ballistic blotting out anything more than six feet away. The Turks promptly went bananas and charged through the smoke to find anything to bayonet. Which was far too much for them as it turned out. When the smoke cleared, it was getting near last man standing. That blasted gatling gun found our range and knocked me and the Lady in Black for six. Hercule Poirot’s evil twin, Smirking Poirot, tried to fry the basket but was riddled for his pains. Finally, six million volts from the arc cannon transformed the gatling gunner into a smoking kebab and it was eyes down for the charge into the Turkish secret HQ. Well, charge might be an overstatement. Apart from Big Bum Brenda, currently occupied in beating some sense into the cook’s head, there was only Miss Sky Blue to turn the tide for our side. She surprised the Turkish guard by shooting him in the head. That certainly surprised him! She then fought it out with the Turks’ commander who was all confidence right up to the moment when she stuck a six inch hat pin where his prospects used to be. Stepping neatly over his groaning form she was then shot down while trying to locate the final Turk’s weak spot. At this point, Big Bum Brenda started gathering us all up leaving the altar in the hands of the country house mob who only had a meagre 80% casualties.
It’s not been a very good day overall. But we’ll be back. I might have to consider investing in a howitzer though. I wonder if you can hide one in your drawers?
Alice “Annie” Diamond,
Leader of the forty thieves aka forty elephants,
The Elephant and Castle.
Current Address: Never you mind, you nosey basket!
Picture 1/ Killer Queens: Gert Scully, Crazy Mary Carr, Diamond Annie, Maggie "Baby Face" Hill and Dorothy "Dollie" Hill
Picture 2/ Some of the girls. "Come in boys. We won't hurt you." (OH YES, THEY WILL!)
16 February 2008, 06:39:21 AM
