“Are we feeling lucky, lads?”
“As lucky as lucky can be Inspector!”
“We’re lucking up!”
“(Groan)”
“How about your good self, Mr Holmes?”
“Most fortunate, Lestrade.”
“You would be. Right then lads, there are six suspect barrels out there and our names are on all of them. Who are we up against, Sergeant?”
“Deacon Doings and the Hellfire Club, sir.”
“Deacon Doings? We’ll do him alright, eh boys?”
“We’ll cook his goose, Inspector!”
“Or goose his cook.”
“(Groan)”
“That’s the spirit! Now fan out and the last one back with a barrel buys the first round!”
“Right ho, Inspector. I’ve got them cornered on the left.”
“Good man, Sergeant. How about on the right, Constable Witherspoon?”
“Got ‘em in sight, Inspector. ‘Ere, we want a word with you, you villains!”
“Right then lads, we don’t want them to have all the fun. Let’s get stuck in down the centre! Here they come! Three rounds rapid fire…that’s odd? We’re not shooting blanks, are we? Let’s try again. Stone me, they must have got at our ammo. Even a barn door would look cocky against us! Never mind, bit of the old hand-to-hand now….Hell’s teeth, are they covered in grease or suchlike? I can’t seem to get a grip on ‘em. How are you doing over there, Sergeant? Still feeling lucky?”
“Bit of a rum do, Inspector. Our pistols and truncheons seem to keep slipping out of our hands. Blimey, now this one’s gone and broken itself!”
“You too, Sergeant? Stiff upper lip man and get at ‘em! Where’s Mr Holmes?”
“At the back here, Lestrade, where you seem to have left us.”
“Well, we wouldn’t want him taking all the credit from the force would we Constable Witherspoon?. Witherspoon…..WHERE THE HELL IS WITHERSPOON!! Is he still feeling lucky? That’s funny, there’s not a dickey bird from the lad. Oi, Sergeant! Can you see Witherspoon?”
“Not a sign of him, sir. It’s blooming odd but I keep hearing this spectral voice complaining that he couldn’t roll dice to save his life. It’s worrying the lads.”
“That’s weird. We keep getting the same thing. Must be an echo. Either that or it’s some secret arcane weapon these swine are unleashing on us. They’ve always got something hidden up their sleeves. You be careful, Sergeant….WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU SERGEANT? Good grief, look at all those Hellfire baskets dashing off clutching barrels. Stop them somebody… anybody! Ow! I’ve been struck from behind. What the hell was it?”
“Must be a new fangled weapon, Inspector. It looks like a huge die with lots of enormous numbers on it. Do you think they’re magical symbols.?”
“I don’t know, but I must be going down for the count because I’m hearing voices.”
“Saying things like you can stick that die where the sun doesn’t shine? ‘Ere, Inspector, those Hellfire bounders haven’t got the Devil batting for them, have they?”
“It’s all going misty, Constable. It’s becoming dark before my eyes…”
“Ooh err!”
“Are we feeling lucky, boys?”
“Just about as lucky as a lucky thing, Inspector!”
“Lucky’s my middle name, Inspector!”
“That’s the spirit! Now we all know the situation so fan out… no…hang on, that’s damn odd. It’s like I’ve been here before?”
“Deja vu, Inspector?”
“Have you. Well, clean it up later. No, I mean it’s like I’m playing a part and what I say next is … are you feeling lucky, Mr Holmes?”
“Most fortunate, Lestrade.”
“You would be. So we’ll fan…no, no let’s not fan out. I’ve got a bad feeling about that for some reason or other. Instead, I’ll take Special Branch up the centre to cover Constable Witherspoon’s and the Sergeant’s flank attacks. Alright?”
“Roger, Inspector!”
“Who’s blooming Roger?”
“I don’t know, Inspector. I just seemed to hear a voice coming from above talking about Roger.”
“You be careful talking like that, Constable. That’s just those Hellfire blaggards messing with your mind. All you need to remember is stay lucky, think lucky, be lucky. Now, let’s give them Hell!”
“We’re in position, boys. Now open fire… I said open fire not open your blinking hands and let your guns fall to the floor? The only thing they’re dying from is laughter!”
“It’s not our fault, Inspector. It’s that ghastly, ghostlike voice which seems to be coming from overhead.”
“What’s it saying?”
“Something about it being blasted ridiculous that there isn’t a single high rolling dice out of all these.”
“Don’t listen, Constable. It’s some fiendish trick down to these cowled criminals. Now, stuff the guns, go and give it to them close up and personal while I check out how the plan’s working. How’s the lucky Sergeant doing?”
“I’m on fire, Inspector!”
“So am I, Sergeant!”
“I’m ablaze, Sir!”
“We’re doomed, Inspector!”
“Shut up, Constable Frasier. Can’t you idiots see that fiendish friar is chucking firecrackers about? Gordon Bennett, they’re all down and out.”
“I don’t bloody believe these dice!”
“Who said that? Was it you, Constable?”
“No, Inspector. I don’t like this. There’s strange forces at work here! What’s that?”
“It looks an entire hail storm of those weird, huge dice flying overhead. It’s enough to make you yearn for flying pigs. I hate to ask, but how’s it going for Constable Witherspoon?”
“She just ripped his heart out, sir! It was ‘orrible!”
“What do you think this is? A Penny Dreadful? Get a grip, man!”
“That’s what she’s got, sir!”
“Ow, I’ve been struck from behind. What the blue blazes was it?”
“It was another of those diving dice, Sir!”
“I”m going, Constable, it’s all going black. We’ll just have to console ourselves that the luck just wasn’t with us……….Is that Mr Smarty Pants Holmes running back clutching a barrel?”
“It looks a lot like him, Inspector.”
“I don’t believe it!”
“Are we feeling lucky, boys?”
“Lucky with a capital L, Inspector!”
“I’m lucky, lucky, lucky!”
“Stop spinning around like a big girl’s blouse, Constable Kyle! Right then, let’s fan out …. no, let’s flank attack… no…that’s odd; have we been here before, Sergeant?”
“Is that a philosophical question, Inspector, only I tend to find them a bit difficult on an empty stomach.”
“I see, Sergeant, an army marches on its stomach, eh?”
“Really? No wonder we never get anywhere!”
“That’ll be enough of that sort of talk, Sergeant! Right, this is my cunning plan. Constable Witherspoon and you will lead small diversionary assaults on the right and centre while I lead the main force in a left hook.”
“And mind you throw those damned dice properly this time. This is becoming embarrassing!”
“Who said that?”
“I don’t know, Inspector, but I think I need to go to the toilet.”
“There’s no time for that now, Constable Godfrey. Off you go Constable Witherspoon and take one man with you.”
“I’d like to volunteer to accompany Constable Witherspoon, Inspector.”
“Really?|”
“They don’t like it up ‘em, Inspector!”
“Oh, do be quiet Constable Jones and mind where you’re shoving that blooming bayonet! Good luck to you too, Sergeant.”
“It’ll be the first time tonight if he is!”
“Who said that? The devils! They’re mesmerating us again!”
“My mum says you shouldn’t swear like that, Inspector”
“Oh, do be quiet Constable Pike. Now lads, this time we’re going to form a firing line, right? That way we can’t miss. Here they come. Steady. Wait for it…..now blast them….you have to be kidding me. What are they wearing? Suits of Mithral Silver. What! What! What the Hell was that voice saying?”
“I’m not quite sure, Sir. What’s a jammy toerag?”
“Hell’s teeth! Did Constable Witherspoon do any better?”
“It was ‘orrible, Sir.”
“What! What was that great crash?”
“It sounded like a giant throwing his rattle out of the pram, Inspector.”
“How’s the Sergeant doing?”
“It was ‘orrible, Sir.”
“That’s the third damned game in a row I’ve been throwing dice with one side!”
“Good grief, those dice are achieving orbit, Constable! Hang on, hang on! I’VE GOT A BLOODY BARREL!!! Follow me men!”
“But don’t we need all the barrels , Inspector?”
“I know when we’re licked, Constable, and one barrel is better than none. Whoo hoo! What do you think of this then, Mr Clever DIck Holmes?”
“Most fortunate, Lestrade.”
“Three games and all I get is one lousy barrel!”
“Duck, Inspector!”
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