Author Topic: Inspector Lestrade and the Battle of Brinkley Bridge. (Read 1670 times)

Silbuster · « **on:** May 29, 2014, 09:04:41 PM »

Lestrade of the Yard here with yet another shocking tale from the underbelly of the Metropolis. The good news is that WPC Sniper Sue will make a full recovery. The bad news is that, once again, we have been thwarted in our task of bringing Law and Order to this benighted bastion of badness. Yet again… Hang on, I’m getting matters bottom about elbow (*) here. Let’s try to begin from the beginning.

With the tragic news from the Amazon (**), Very Special Branch have been attempting to build a replacement robo-rabbit. However, owing to the undeniable fact that they are all several sandwiches short of the full picnic, the blasted thing got loose. Heaven only knows could happen if that sort of techtronical mechanoidical were to fall into the wrong hands. We’ve enough enemies as it is without them receiving the assistance of metal beings. Fortunately, news arrived of worried residents contacting the constabulary with regards to a monster rabbit over three feet tall walking with the aid of a stick. Even the average Plod failed to misunderstand that! It was post haste to Brinkley Bridge. Would we arrive in time?

We did. But only just. Looking down the length of Brinkley Brook, Flopsy was standing in the middle of Brinkley Bridge. Not doing much except looking at this watch and muttering he was late. “Late for what?” I don’t here you ask. Exactly. However, mad bunnies were what we were expecting. It was the sight of Diamond Annie and the Dastardly Doxies drawn up on the other side of the crossing which came as a cold shower for us. Nobody’s ever accused Diamond of being soft. That rabbit was worth a lot of dosh to them so we were in for the punch-up of the year here. I looked around the team. If someone was going to receive a smacking, it was not going to be us. Ordering Sue to cover us from the high ground, the group North of the Stream were to advance at a brisk pace while we covered them from the South. Mr Holmes left us at a run straight at Mr Fluffy. I thought he was being precipitate. Once again, Mr Holmes was right on the button. I kept wondering which way that ridiculous rodent would run. Sherlock must have spotted that it was broken and was not going anywhere.

Diamond’s mob was also cautiously coming forward. A shot rang out as Sue cut down a Doxy drawing a bead on one of our lads. Suddenly, Annie’s girls dropped the subtlety and legged it for the money box standing on paws. I wondered where they’s got the confidence from. Daft basket! I’d forgotten Annie. On the move, she shot and seriously wounded Sue. It was a hell of a stunt. There was a low growl from the boys. Sue is popular here. In a moment, my orders were ignored as the lot piled forward. Pausing only to crack the skull of some basket bystander brazenly talking about bitch on bitch action, I joined in the charge. This was not going to be a polite conversation.

To the North of the Bridge, both sides arrived at much the same time but to the South, where we’d been more circumspect, only Mr Holmes arrived to dispute possession despite being badly outnumbered. Luckily, Sergeant Tough had hold of Brer Rabbit. If only he could hang on!

He could thanks to the brave sacrifice of PC Dobson riding Dobbin. Straight into the fray they went. They didn’t come out again. Dobbin went first; followed by Dobson. At least they’ll be together in the afterlife. But it gave the rest of us the time to reach the South end of the Bridge. The length of which was now a heaving mass of struggling humanity. It was a wonder the construction could withstand the thrashing it was receiving. Pins and truncheons swung in the summer air; pistols popped and curses spat. Crazy Mary hit the floor thanks to a well-aimed blow but then resolutely ignored everything else thrown at her. And like her, nothing much else changed up North. Nor in the South where we faced “Baby Face”.

“Baby Face”? If ever an expression were less apt then I’ve yet to find it. Because the expression on her face could ruin a dog’s dinner at fifty yards. Few men can withstand that basilisk glare. Fewer are those idiot or desperate enough to try it. Mr Holmes and I did our best. And we mostly stayed upright, but, like Horatia, she held the bridge. Something had to break the stalemate and it did. Diamond arrived. She’s a hard cow, is Annie. With her usual cheery greeting of “Here, let me pin your ears back, Rozzer”, she carved her way through the ranks. Poor old Tough became the filling in a sandwich. Minced beef, I reckon. He’s recovering but one Doxy with the biggest pin I’ve ever seen grabbed the bunny and hopped off.

Leaving Sherlock to keep “Baby Chops” busy, we attempted to intercept Big Pin while Diamond’s girls tried to screen her from us. They succeeded with the exception of DC Dimble. Taking careful aim, he drew a bead on Big Pin. Would he make the shot? No chance. We’d completely forgotten about Miss Blue Pants hiding in the building just behind him. She casually shot him in the back and we were forced to watch the rabbit being carried off to its appointment. I don’t know if it arrived late but I’d take long odds that it’s now a late rabbit.

Inspector Lestrade of the Yard

* There is a rather fruitier expression in common employ amongst the Empire’s masses which the gentle reader is invited to imagine.

** To come: Shocking revelations concerning the expedition to the Lost World. Still no news of Inspector Strange. Loss of Vertical Vanessa. “We can rebuild her” quote from Her Majesty’s Chief Scientist.