*News Flash* Prussia Defeated* The Greatest Battle of our Time played out*

[Malamute]

Dear Reader,

I am delighted to advise that on the weekend of 24th -25th october 1882 the combined forces of Her Majesty The Queen (Gaud Bless 'Er) defeated the invading Prussian army on the very doorstep to the Capital at Kew Gardens, London.

Over two terriflying days of constant, heavy bombardment and withering fire from both land and air and despite massive casualties the British army repulsed two mighty assaults by the Prussians.

Sir Sidney James Rough-Diamond commander in chief would like to express his sincere gratitude to all the troops; English, Scottish and Indian who gave their lives in defence of the Realm.

It has been suggested that many Victoria Crosses will be rewarded including one postumously to the Khasi of Kalibar for leading the glorious, fateful charge of the Queens Own Kalibar lancers against impossible odds to silence an enemy battery.

Also sadly we have to report of the gallant deaths of the entire company of Royal Parks Constabulary. They were last seen charging into combat against a group of fierce Prussian assault troops armed with new fangled machine quick fire rifles. Armed only with whistles and truncheons they successfully arrested a number of these devils before succumbing to a glorious death.

Sadly the grounds at Kew Gardens are now in a terrible state. The dastardly Prussians did not pay attention to the "keep off the grass" signs within the park and now the lawns need to be replaced.

The topiary in the ornamental gardens has been devastated after the Prussian flying troops took shelter within its borders and their roterblades hacked the ornamental hedges to pieces.

The famous glasshouse, home to some of the finest exotic garden specimens from around the world was the scene of the fiercest fighting. The local Richmond glazing company is working day and night to replace all the glass and repair and repaint the white washed stone facade.

Our correspondents in the field are currently developing the images from their Kodak Box Brownie cameras in wonderful Sepia and will have pictures available for viewing in tomorrow's copy of the Times...

[answer_is_42]

*makes a note to buy tommorows paper*

Sounds great! Can't wait for the report.

[Gluteus Maximus]

Three cheers for our gallant lads! 

However, it is most distressing to learn of the fate of the Khasi and the Parks Constabulary. Even worse is the news that the lawns have been destroyed. how can any sane person destroy such fine topiary?

It is all beyond me 

Will those fiends never cease their wanton destruction?

As ever, I look forward to another great battle report with the usual superb photos   

[marianas_gamer]

How can we trust these reports when they are so obviously slanted against the gallant forces of Prussia?    The damage was surely not caused by the law (and rules) abiding forces of Brandenburg!!

[Malamute]

How can we trust these reports when they are so obviously slanted against the gallant forces of Prussia?    The damage was surely not caused by the law (and rules) abiding forces of Brandenburg!!

This man needs to be arrested and sent down at Her Majesty's (Gaud Bless 'Er) pleasure for said remark...

Doubting the word of an English journalist, Whatever next?

[Malamute]

Our correspondent has rushed this early print into publication for your delight.

An photograph taken just before the first shots were fired on the second day.

 Excuse the shaky image, the photographer was avoiding being trodden on by the front leg of the Lowen Walker towering over him at the very moment the picture was taken..
Seen here is Major Farquar Farquarson VC (Hero of Shere Bridge) standing next to the ornamantal topiary in Kew Gardens about to issue orders to his combined command of the 1st Battalion of the Middlesex Regiment and a company of the famed Bhurpa Rifles.




An early aerial photograph of The Glasshouse at Kew Gardens taken several years ago.

[Operator5]

Great stuff! I love the glass building.

Too bad about the lawn and topiary. I expect a bill will be sent to the Prussians post-haste.

[Admiral Benbow]

>>The dastardly Prussians did not pay attention to the "keep off the grass" signs within the park and now the lawns need to be replaced.<<

  arrrghh, please stop, that image's too much for me ...

[Geudens]

Well done, sir, well done (what am I saying?...  I've got a Prussian army too!  )

Rudi

[Westfalia Chris]

Kew Gardens! A worthy battlefield if there ever was one! And to think the troubles the Prussians will have reporting the name of the location to the Kaiser!

[keeper]

Brilliant

[argsilverson]

Very nice editorial!

I am expecting to see  the photographer's job, as well.
I think he had a very dangerous work to do amidst the 2 days fighting at Kew Gardens!

What were the forces involved!

[Argonor]

Having seen this battle in my role as a war correspondent for the Ringe Dagblad, I can tell you it involved several days of hard fighting 

[Hammers]

Three cheers for our gallant lads! 

However, it is most distressing to learn of the fate of the Khasi and the Parks Constabulary. Even worse is the news that the lawns have been destroyed. how can any sane person destroy such fine topiary?

It is all beyond me 

Will those fiends never cease their wanton destruction?

As ever, I look forward to another great battle report with the usual superb photos   

Malamute failed to mentioned that the Prussians did try their best, as their Zeppelin hoovered over the green house, to navigate clear of the glass dome as Dorchester bicycle artillery, commanded by me and Mrs fastolfrus, punctured it. It descended gently onto the lawn with a prolonged flatus instead of making a huge smoothie out of Her Majesty's pineapples.

[Chairface]

If the Huns got ahold of Her Majesties pineapples, it would have been a huge disaster for morale!