Battle Report: The Shadow of Koles Lorr - Epilogue (25.04.2012)

[weazil]

In our tireless effort to:

A.) Play Warhammer 3rd Edition
B.) Spread the word so that other people become interested in playing Warhammer 3rd Edition
C.) Thus enabling us to find players who want to play Warhammer 3rd Edition in our own countries
D.) ...so that we don't have to play remote games of Warhammer 3rd Edition

...we are now playing another remote game of Warhammer 3rd Edition.

"We" are:

Dreamfish - the Games Master (Oooh, daddy, what's one of them, then?)

Weazil (AKA Gaj)(playing Dwarves) - Defender of the free races, and of all things good, and muchly deserving of your support and praise

Blue in VT (playing Orcs) - The evil assailant on everything you hold dear, and no doubt almost single handedly responsible for the world economy through his dastardly deeds...

This is the scope of the game:



...and people say that war divides nations...

As before, we anticipate that it should take us many weeks to do, where we'll probably be processing about one turn a week. Providing you can cope with the adrenaline, we invite you to join us, as we explore another trip to the late '80s, where bad puns flow freely, fantasy stories are as epic as slicing bread and the era of GW GrimDark is but a glimmer in the eye of the shareholder...


Prologue: The Shadow of Koles Lorr

"There's gold up there, you know," Jabbartha said. His brow furrowed as he formed his grim expression. "Gold."

Hans Ohlow shook his head.

"It's not gold. Stop bloody calling it gold. If you just called it what it bloody well was, we wouldn't be standing here now, in the freezing wind, up to our knees in mud and shit, staring at ... well, nothing. It's not gold!" Hans thrust his hands into his pockets and stared into the distance. His companion, Jabbartha Hhut, shook his head. Of all the scouts he had ever come across, never had he met one that complained so much about being outside.

Both dwarves stared out across the plain.

"You know..."

Oh great. More complaining, thought Jabbartha. Keep going, mate - I've got nothing else to do either.

"...I can't think of a single purpose for this place. Why would the gods make such a forsaken stretch?" Hans poked a tuft of grass with his boot. "It's only purpose is to be bloody wet. Wet grass, wet mud, wet air. Wet dwarves. And it's not even bloody raining."

"Yet."

"Eh?"

"It's not raining yet," Jabartha said. May as well set his expectations now.

"Doesn't matter. Even if you do find this bloody wagon, all your stupid gold" -he quoted with his fingers - "is just going to be soaked through or stuck together in one big clump. I don't know why everyone thinks it's so bloody great anyway."

Both dwarves fell silent.

Jabbartha cleared his throat. "Any-"

Hans cut him off. "And it's a stupid place to put a tower, too! How long's it been here?"

Jabbartha looked up at the tower. Koles Lorr. "Ages. We didn't build it, actually. It's a human build. Prob'ly why they abandoned it. Wasn't up to much."

"They probably all hanged themselves after a week with putting up with this!"Hans kicked a clump of earth. He soles squeaked in the wet as he watched the muddy clump sail into the misty air. It's depressing squelch on landing did nothing to cheer him up.

Jabbartha was getting tired of Hans now. "Look. I don't want to be here any more than you do. Right? So do us all a favour and go check out that tower. That gold is out here somewhere, and if it was me on a night like last night, I'd have taken up in that tower too. So get out there, get the cart and the gold, and lets all of us go home, okay?"

Hans spat his disgust at the order.

"It's not gold," he mumbled under his breath. He signalled to the other rangers to follow him.


***


One Day Earlier...

"Who is this chap again?" King Pinne lowered his spectacles and looked down at the writ of office he had been presented with.

"Sir Loyne, your majesty. He claims to be a paladin of Yasmar Nodrog," Muz Shipeez said. Muz had served in King Pinne's court for many decades now, and knew better than to infer his doubt about Sir Loynes credentials, but the fact was that he knew of all the families that needed knowing of, and the Loyne's of Gird were not a family he'd ever heard of before.

"Is he in the book?"

"No, Your Majesty, he has arrived unexpectedly."

"No, no - not the appointment book. You know - the names book that you look at all the time?"

Muz smiled. This was good news, if the King was thinking like this already. "No, Your Majesty. Sir Loyne is in neither the Great Family Tree nor the appointment book. I did find a a match on Yasmar Nodrog, though."

The king brightened. "Brilliant. Never heard of him either. Do we have a temple for Yasmar here?"

"Not that I'm aware of, no -"

"What's he do anyway, this Yasmar Nodrog? What's his godly job?"

"He is the god of food-"

"Food? Really?"

Muz blinked at the interruption and let out a slow breath. "Yes, Your Majesty. Food. And rage, it seems."

"Food and rage?"

Muz nodded.

The king removed his spectacles and started chewing thoughtfully on the frame. "I would have thought we would have a temple to the god of food, surely?"

"It seems that we like to keep food out of our worship, Your Majesty."

"Mmmm...well, I suppose we'd better let him in and see what he has to say for himself."

Muz nodded. He had already gathered the King's Guard to the audience chamber, just in case. He signalled to the doormen to open the doors and admit the king's visitor.

"Oh, and Muz?" King Pinne whispered.

"Yes, Your Majesty?" Muz looked straight ahead.

"Maybe we should have a worshipful celebration of this Yasmar Nodrog. A little food and beer. You know - show some respect?"

"All in hand, your Majesty. All in hand."

"Not sure about the rage part just yet."

Both dwarves watched as the trumpets announced the arrival of Sir Loyne.

"Don't worry, Your Majesty, I have a feeling the rage will come soon..."


***


Sir Loyne was a big dwarf. Standing a head taller than any dwarf in the room, all eyes followed this giant among dwarves as a strode toward the king. His demeanour radiated confidence and his eyes - what eyes! His stare alone defeated everyone in the room as he dared the audience to challenge him. The King's Guard shuffled nervously, each hoping one of the others was more loyal to the king than themselves; more willing to die at the hands of this severe giant should things get ugly.

A small, unfortunate dwarf tottered behind Sir Loyne, struggling with a huge banner that towered over him. The banner was too tall for the dwarven hall, resulting in the poor dwarf having to drag the banner pole along the ceiling, as close to upright as possible.

"King Pinne!" Sir Loyne bawled, stretching his arms wide "Ty!"

King Pinne winced. He liked being called King Pinne. He hated his first name. It sounded so... common. His eyes widened in horror when he realised Sir Loyne wasn't stopping there.

Sir Loyne stepped up the dais, gripped the dwarf king's shoulders and hefted him onto his feet, where he proceeded to crush the bewildered king into a punishing bear hug. Sir Loyne winked at Muz over the king's shoulder. King Pinne glared furiously at his guard over Sir Loyne's.

"Ty! So good to see you! Brilliant to see how well you've done for yourself!" Sir Loyne dropped the flustered king back into his throne and waved expansively at the throne room.

King Pinne readjusted his crown, wondering why the hell none of his guard had done anything about this ruddy lunatic just wrenching him from his throne. The way Sir Loyne had clapped him on the back was tantamount to assault, as far as his shoulder blades were concerned. He'd have to have a word with them later on.

"Er..." he mumbled. "Yes, done alright, I suppose-"

"Alright?" Sir Loyne boomed. Before King Pinne realised what was happening, the giant dwarf reached out and grabbed the king's crown, planting it neatly on his own head. The room gasped.

"Alright, you say? You're a blessed king! This is fantastic! Bet the beer's good, eh? None of that cheap stuff for you anymore, eh?" Sir Loyne poked the startled king in the ribs and laughed.

"Ahem!" Muz cleared his throat.

Both dwarves looked at him.

"His Majesty feels that guests should refrain from wearing his crown at the first visit, although he would be happy to forgive you this small oversight given the nature of your joyful meeting just now," Muz said through his forced smile.

King Pinne nodded. "Yes, yes. His Ma... er, I... would like to get his crown back. If that's alright?"

Sir Loyne clapped both his hands on the king's shoulders as he laughed. "Of course, of course. So silly of me - you are the king and must be respected and all that. Of course!" He presented his head to King Pinne with a grandiose bow.

The king clutched the crown with nervous hands and placed it gingerly on his head, as if it were now somehow too hot.

"Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat about old times, Ty, but we've got urgent business to attend to." Sir Loyne swivelled round and stepped of the dais before turning to look at the king again. "It turns out that I need your help. And when I say 'I', of course, I refer to Yasmar Nodrog! We have a holy commission for you!"

King Pinne blinked. Muz shivered in an effort to maintain his composure.

"Sir Loyne, your dedication to the business of Yasmar Nodrog is both legendary and exemplary, I'm sure. Perhaps even Yasmar Nodrog would allow a humble, weary servant and his retinue time to rest and recovered before resuming the no doubt arduous duties required in his service?" Muz raised an eyebrow as he asked the question.

Sir Loyne raised an eyebrow in return.

"I am tireless in my service of Yasmar Nodrog."

His tone was frigid - all his jovial warmth was drowned out by the sudden cold silence in the room. The King's Guard clutched their weapons, desperately hoping nothing would come of this. Some looked at each other, unsure of what they should do. If Muz made the crazy giant angry, he could sort it out himself, as far as they were concerned.

He cocked his head. "But, he isthe god of food. And to eat is to worship. Waddaya say, Tendhe? Bit of grub before we hit the road?"

The dwarf carrying the banner nodded eagerly.

The mood in the room lifted as Sir Loyne's demeanor softened.

"This is my boy, by the way," Sir Loyne said to the king. "Tendhe Loyne. Carries the banner, see? For the Loynes."

King Pinne gulped. "Uh, good to meet you." He turned to Muz and pleaded with his eyes.

"Excellent! We've laid on a little spread for you and fifty members of your party. His Majesty would love to discuss your holy commission over a little meal and perhaps a light after dinner smoke?"

"Fifty members?" Sir Loyne repeated. "No need for that - just the two of us, now," he said, pointing at Tendhe and himself.

"Oh?" Muz looked puzzled. "I see. Might I enquire... I mean, surely you're not travelling alone?"

"Of course not, you funny little dwarf," Sir Loyne chuckled. "We left Gird with a whole army."

"I see. I can send messenger to your camp to summon them?"

Sir Loyne snorted. "Unless your messenger can summon them from the grave, I'd imagine he'd find that task quite difficult. They're all dead, now. That's why we stopped here."

"Stopped here." Muz repeated.

"Yes. To get some more."

"More?" the king asked, his voice faint.

"Yes, more dwarves. Mine are all dead. So I've come to get some of yours. But come, let's go to this meal you've prepared. Lots more to round, eh?"

Muz staggered as Sir Loyne clapped his hand over his shoulders, herding him towards the door.


***


Things had moved quickly from there. Hans squelched behind the other rangers, shaking his head at the stupidity of the situation. Apparently, Sir Loyne and the army of Gird were accompanying a valuable cargo wagon somewhere up north when they were ambushed and annihilated by orcs. Instead of refusing the fool anything, King Pinne had allowed the paladin to assume command of the King's forces in order to chase the orcs and extract their vengeance.

Sir Loyne just wanted everything he could lay his hands on. It just so happened that as Sir Loyne gained entry into the king's armoury, he noticed a tunnel leading to the massive forge and workshop, where Big Dog, the clan's largest stone thrower, was being serviced.

"I'm having that," he said, to no-one in particular.

There had been protests, of course. Hans, as the lead scout, had pointed out the futility of chasing a fast orc column with warmachines in tow. It would be impossible.

"Ah, but what if they establish a fort? What would we do then?" Sir Loyne had challenged.

"If they've established a fort, we'd set up watch and send runners to get the warmachines, if they were needed. They are orcs, don't forget, so the word fortis relative."

Sir Loyne had looked thoughtful and Hans thought for a moment that Big Dog would stay, but that was not to be.

"Bring it along. I can feel it in my bones - we'll need it for sure."

So now the only chance they really had to catch the orcs depended on the weather. Fortunately, the weather had been atrocious, and there was every chance that the could also have become bogged down.

The team of rangers were waiting for him at the tower. He looked up at it and took in all of its wet, grey misery. There was nothing frightening about the tower, it just looked cold. He shivered as a gust of wind whipped around the tower base, throwing his cloak open.

"Right boys, just like we did in the drills. On my signal, you kick the door in and step back," Hans pointed at Vitter Minsey, who nodded. He looked at Minn Spye "You go straight in and head right. I'm in right behind you, then you come in behind me and head left, with you two closing after us, okay?"

The other dwarves nodded and moved into position. Two on the right of the door, three on the left.

"Go," Hans whispered.

Continued in next post...

[weazil]

...continued from last post

***


"...and that," Sir Loyne paused to take a bite from the roasted turkey leg he was holding, "is when the orcs took the wagon"

Both King Pinne and Muz sat silent for a while, letting the description of the loss to the orcs sink in. By the sounds of things, eighty dwarves had died.

"What was in the wagon?" King Pinne asked.

"Gold dust. Just like gold dust."

King Pinne and Muz looked at each other.

"Gold dust, you say?" the king muttered eventually, stroking his beard.

"Eighty dwarves, you say?" Muz muttered, knotting his.

King Pinne leaned forward now, staring Sir Loyne directly in the face. He'd had nine pints so far, and it was much easier to stand up to Sir Loyne now. Also, Sir Loyne seemed to much nicer, now. "Tell me more about this gold dust."

Sir Loyne returned his flagon to the table and wiped his beard with the back of his hand. "S'not gold dust. I said it's like gold dust."

"Yes, yes, but just as valuable, you say?"

Sir Loyne looked at the ceiling in thought. "Yes. Very valuable. Especially to Yasmar Nodrog. And the good human folk up north. Love the stuff, they do. They'll pay loads for it."

Having just taken his tenth pint, only a few words of that sentence hit home for King Pinne. Valuable. Love the stuff. Pay. Loads.

"We need to get that gold dust."

Sir Loyne assumed a very serious expression, and nodded slowly. "Yes we do."

"If I might interrupt, Your Majesty," Muz said, turning to Sir Loyne. "You said it's like gold dust, so it evidently isn't. My lord's question is simply this: if not gold dust - what is it?" Ten pints from King Pinne's personal cellar had injected bravery beyond compare into Muz.

Sir Loyne blinked at Muz, before bursting into raucous laughter.

"Of course, of course! You funny quaint mountain dwarves would've never heard of the stuff!"

The two other dwarves joined in the laughter. How funny and quaint they were, each realised! An eleventh pint had materialised in front of all three, which they clanked together and downed.

"Let me tell you about gold dust, boys. Holy, blessed gold dust from the east..."


***


"I dunno wot it is. It ain't grain, it ain't gold an' it ain't gunpowder." Krunk dropped the bag on the floor. "Whole bleeding wagon's full of it."

Kahn Narbis looked down at the brown powder spilling from the bag. In the flickering firelight, it looked a bit like gold. He frowned. "Wot's Milliog say?"

Sensei Milliog emerged from the darkness. "Same as Krunk. Dunno." He shrugged. "I was gonna ask Trammer."

Kahn raised an eyebrow.

"Er..." Krunk stammered. "I mean, ask you to ask Trammer. 'Cos...you know..."

"Oh right. Come to that, 'as it?"

The other two nodded apologetically.

"I hates askin' him anything. You lot better be sure or I'm breaking something."

Krunk and Sensei Milliog eyed each other. If neither of them could work it out, then surely they were safe. Kahn would have to ask Trammer. They nodded in unison.

"Righto. Follow me," Kahn said, grabbing the bag. The other two fell in behind him as he marched to the other side of the camp. The rest of the orcs just dropped themselves wherever, resting and sleeping in their rags and armour. Even Kahn didn't worry about tents and the like when travelling - it was only the tribe's irritable, aged shaman that bothered with tents. Kahn opened the flap and stepped in. Krunk and Sensei Milliog skulked in behind him.

Trammar Zzole was an ancient, leathery orc, who after nearly fifty years of magic, was widely considered to be completely barking mad. Surely no orc could mess about with magic for that long and not go insane, spectators reasoned?

He sat in the middle of the tent floor, holding what appeared to be a human skull, rocking backwards and forwards and mumbling cheerfully to himself. Every now and then, a whinnying giggle escaped his cracked lips and he rocked a little faster, before the light in his eyes died down and he settled again.

Kahn slapped the wizened old orc's bald palate respectfully.

"Oi!" The old orc cried as he snapped out of his reverie. He looked wounded as he rubbed his head."Wassat for?"

Kahn dropped the bag in front of the wizard. "D'ya know wot this is?"

Trammer poked the skull up against the bag, using his hands to make as if the skull was sniffing. "Waddaya reckon, Seesaw?"

The skull didn't appear to do anything. Trammer lifted it to his ear. "Say that again?"

His audience leaned in, hoping to hear some of the mystical chatter Seesaw was whispering to Trammer. The tent fell silent as all four orcs strained to hear anything.

"Ssshh!" Trammer hissed, causing the other three to step back in shock. He positioned the skull directly in front of him and fixed it with a stern gaze. "Come now Seesaw. Don't be stubborn. Tell Uncle Trammer wot it is." He shook the skull a little before ramming it face first into the bag again.

"Aha!"

Krunk and Milliog both leapt in fright. Kahn stepped back slowly.

Trammer giggled. "He sez it's a bag! See, you can put stuff in it! Like this powder. That's a great place to put powder. In the bag! Good Seesaw!" He patted the top of the skull.

"What's. In. The. Bag. Fool." Kahn growled.

"Powder. See-"

Kahn grabbed Trammer by the neck and dragged the old wizard to his feet. "Tell me what the bloody powder is or I'll pull your eyeballs out and stuff them into Seesaw's empty sockets, you shit stain!"

Trammer's eyes widened as he considered the implications of Kahn's threat. "It's snuff," he blurted.

"Snuff?"

"Yer. Snuff. Look, I'll show ya."

Kahn released the wizard, who already seemed to have forgotten the potential eye transplant just mentioned. Trammer grabbed a little pinch of the snuff, showing the other orcs.

"Here, take some like this. Don' worry, it's safe."

Each orc moved forward and also took a pinch.

"See, so now you puts it to your nose, like this." He watched carefully to make sure all the orcs had their snuff in the right position. "Then, alls you do is sniff it in, like so."

They all watched as Trammer closed his eyes and drew in a massive breath, vacuuming the powder through his nostrils.

The other orcs watched in fascination. First, his eyes shot open, and he coughed. Then, he breathed in as if to sneeze. but nothing came. He closed his mouth and blinked, breathing out slowly.

Then Trammer Zzole's headexploded.


***


"So it's called curry powder?" King Pinne asked. "Never heard of it. I like the sound of it, though. And you say it goes with beer?"

Sir Loyne grinned. "Aye, that it does. Well, curry goes with beer. Curry powder's crap on its own. Got to make it into the sauce, you see? Also, you can use the sauce with fried potato cubes. That's especially popular up north. I'm sure that's what this shipment would have been used for."

"Fried potato cubes?" King Pinne was very quickly realising how limited his palate was. "Never heard of that either. How come you know all about this?"

"Yasmar Nodrog, of course. He shows us the way," Sir Loyne responded, looking up and opening his hands to the heavens. "You need to establish a temple here, you see."

The dwarves fell silent, contemplating this deep philosophical truth.

"Curry powder." King Pinne mumbled, lost in thought. "Culinary gold..."

Muz nodded in agreement. "We need to get it back. For Yasmar Nodrog!" He lifted his flagon high into the air.

"For Yasmar Nodrog!" the other two repeated, thrusting their own drinks into the air.


***


Kahn, Krunk and Milliog looked at each other. All of them still held the powder in their hands. Kahn blinked as the headless corpse of Trammer slowly toppled over backwards and hit the floor.

"I dunno," he said as he scratched his head. "Not sure I wanna put this in my nose anymore."

Krunk wiped bits of brain and snot off his face. "Yer, mebbe we sleep on it and have some more snuff tomorrow?"

Milliog nodded. "Yeah. Lets sleep on it."

He looked down at the body as Kahn and Krunk stepped out of the tent. He heard Kahn shouting orders for someone to do something about the mess. Now that Trammer was dead, he supposed that he had just become the tribe's shaman. He dug a bit of what later turned out to be a bit of Trammer from his ear, before reaching down and picking up Seesaw.

"Better make sure I've got another head," he said to the skull. "Just in case."


***


Hans had just emerged on the ramparts of the tower when he heard an explosion in the distance. He crouched behind the wet stone, ears straining for further clues. Shortly afterwards, he could make out the sound of guttural shouting.

He signalled to Vitter, who had just emerged from the door, to come closer. He pointed on the direction of the shouting and whispered, "Orcs?"

Vitter cocked his head and listened for a while. "I think so. Really close...probably a couple of hundred yards, really."

The Loane Rangers had all gathered on the parapet now, and took in the news with excitement and trepidation.

They'd found them.

"Let's go get that gold, boys," Minn said.

Hans put his head in his hands in despair.

"It's not bloody gold..."

***

The Armies

Sir Loyne's Stout Dwarves of Regard:





Waagh Narbis:





Hopefully, due to the miraculous advances in modern technology, we should be able to update the full story here on the forums, as opposed to the last time where we only posted some images and a link.

Also, if you're wondering about the references to a previous event that you are as yet unaware of, may we refer you to this battle report, which was played out earlier this year.

Also, further details on the players can be found over at the blog.

Regards
Gaj

[thebinmann]

Amazing

What a length to go to to get a game!

WOW

[weazil]

@thebinmann - oops, didn't notice the reply, sorry 

But yes - an awful long way just to play some Warhammer...

[weazil]

One thing we need before we commence with turn one is the actual scenario rules and the deployment plan.

This is the table:



Scenery Rules:
- The rock face of the hill can’t be climbed on.
- Can fly over hill on level +10, rocks and woods on level +20 and tower on level +40.
- The rocks and the barreled defense count as hard cover.
- The woods are considered difficult terrain.
- The terrain is split in half creating two zones: orc zone and dwarf zone.
- Victory points are gained by occupying the zone of the opposite army.
- The tower has three main levels: ground level, 1st level and top level (see picture) and is made of stone.
- Dwarfs objective: capture cargo with as least 5 models.
- Dwarfs: Gain points by preventing tower from being destroyed or damaged.
- Orcs objective: eliminate Sir Loyne and Tendhe Loyne while defending the precious cargo.
- Orcs: Gain points by destroying or damaging the tower.

The 'cargo' is, of course, the cart with the curry powder.

So, with that in mind, these are the deployment areas:



Even if you are familiar with Warhammer 3rd Edition rules, you might be thinking 'what the hell is a dwarf scout? I've never heard of those?'

...and you'd be right. They are simply a unit of five skirmishers, who happened to arrive before the rest of the force. This is the advantage of narrative - we can make stuff up.

Also, given that Blue is the newest member to our little online gaming group, we felt it was the right thing to extend the first turn to him.


***


Sensei Milliog slowly released his breath, opening an eye to watch the steaming expulsion dissipate in the morning air. Milliog had left camp well before the sunrise in order to determine the future. This was something that Trammer used to do when the tribe was trying to work out what to do next. Now that he'd lost his head, Milliog felt that the duty of divining the tribe's next move fell onto his sloped shoulders. 

Unfortunately, Trammer had never told Milliog how this divining was done. 

After Trammer's unfortunate demise, Milliog had spent the rest of the previous evening pondering the mysterious snuff. Pondering, dear reader, is not something that the orcs excel at at the best of times, and now that his tutor had exploded, Trammer would be hard pressed to consider this the best of times. Still, in the absence of any actual thought, he certainly gave off the impression that he was deep in thought, by staring deep into the embers of the fire and scratching his buttocks from time to time. 
Indeed, so powerful was his apparent thoughtfulness that the other orcs didn't even offer him a bit of Trammer once they'd cooked him up. 

"Poor boy's mourning," one said.

"Yer, leave 'im be - pro'lly doesn't want to eat 'is mate now, does 'e?" pointed out another. 

A third orc struck the first in the face, pointing out that it was now the evening, and not the morning, so how could the poor boy be morning? He further posited that it was impossible to be any specific time of day if you were an orc, and then moved on to question the sanctity of the first orc's mother's bed. This prompted the first orc to defend his position and family, which he did so with verve, by biting deeply into the eyebrow of his accuser, whilst punching vigourously in all directions. 

It wasn't long before the rest of the orcs entered into the debate, leaving only Milliog and the cooked remains of his late mentor sitting on the sidelines: one pondering, the other smouldering. 
Milliog realised that he was never going to get anything done this way. He skulked off to go and investigate the mysterious snuff in the wagon. 

He realised that it would be a good idea to see the powder in action again. He secured the services of a willing goblin (by hooking his fingers in the vile creature's nostrils and leading him to the wagon) and was able to observe the effects of the snuff again. 

Although the goblin sneezed violently for what felt like quite a while, Milliog noted that it's head only exploded once he'd walloped it with a club. He repeated the experiment a few times with other goblin volunteers, noting that if he didn't hit them, then they didn't explode. They did seem a little distressed, with plenty of sneezing, tears and snot, but they seemed to be able to function more or less as before. 

He tried it twice on orcs as well (those not engaged in that evening's fireside entertainment), reasoning that the goblins didn't explode because they didn't have any brains anyway, so there was nothing to explode in the first place. As it turned out, the orcs reacted in the same fashion. He noted with interest that their heads didn't even explode when struck with the club. 

Therefore, the powder must be magical, because only magical orcs exploded. The problem was that he was the only magical orc left, which meant that he couldn't prove his theory unless he managed to get an observer. And, if his own head exploded, how was the observer going to tell him what he saw? One can't hear very well without ears, can one?

By the time he returned to the fire, the surviving orcs appeared to have come to an agreement (which had since moved from orcs and mornings to whether or not Pi was an actual number...) and were just dropping off to sleep. Finding himself unable to discuss his findings with anyone sensible, Milliog refreshed himself with some left-over Trammer. It was whilst chewing through a particularly stubborn bit of cartilage that it occurred to him that he might be able to divine the future, and possibly the purpose of the powder. After all, it had to be valuable if  a whole army had been escorting it. And it was the sort of thing Trammer would have done.

And so Milliog watched his breath evaporate in the morning light. He had spent most of the night outside of camp, staring up at the silhouette of the old tower as the day broke, no wiser for his efforts. 

Frustrated, he stood up, yawned and stretched. Just as he was about to depart the scene, he noticed a banner bobbing into view over the horizon. He waved his hand in front of his face, hoping to clear the gentle mist obscuring his view. The mist didn't clear, but Milliog was certain - he'd seen that banner before.

It was the banner of the dwarves they ambushed just the other day. The ones who were moving the snuff. 

He wasn't too clear how they came to be there, but that was a matter for another day. Right now, he needed to get back and rally the boys. Milliog evacuated the scene and loped back to camp. 

This time they'd have to make sure the dwarves stayed dead...

***

[Zaheer]

Had an eye on your activities for a while. This is great stuff and very inspiring.

[weazil]

So, after much fuss, we're away. We're picking up pace now and continue to forge on into turn two, but here, finally, is turn one. True enough, these figures have been slowly making their way over the field for most of January, almost frozen in time, making this arguably the longest turn one in the history of Warhammer.

So, these are the forces deployed:




The dwarves have a technical term when describing this many orcs. It starts with 'F' and ends with 'uckload of the bastards'. Clearly, the dwarves have their work cut out for them.

As you may recall, we extended the first turn to Mr Blue (and therefore the orcs), being the newcomer and all.

The movement phase:


Remember, the dwarves had a much more restrictive deployment zone, so the slayers had to deploy in a 'deep' formation, in order to allow them to get moving as soon as the game started.


Anyone who knows anything about orcs, knows about ... that's right, boys and girls (hah!) - animosity. That meant Blue started rolling dice before we even did anything.



Animosity in 3rd ed is dramatically different to the later editions, in that it acknowledges that it takes two to tango. So, even if you only fail one test, you will have at least two units stopped and involved in the fracas. Fortunately, Blue failed one animosity test...








***



"Ere - look at 'em all, poncing about on dere little piggies. Don't even 'ave a flag, do dey?" grumbled Botoks.



"Oo's poncing about?" Larlog asked.



"Dem!" Botoks jabbed his finger in the direction of Milliog's boar riders.



Larlog thought about the situation a bit. It seemed a little unfair to accuse them of not having a flag - he didn't have a flag either, now that he came to think about it.



Botoks continued. "No flag? 'Ow comes we gotta lug it around and dey don't?"



Larlog realised where Botoks was going now. "Its a prileva...er...prevail, well, itsspecialto carry a flag, see? You're jolly lucky, you are. I bet all der boys wants to be like you!" Larlog beamed at Botoks, pleased with his inspirational flare.



Botoks didn't even blink before turning in the direction of the boar boys to yell. "Yer, see! I gots a flag and I'm special! Wot you got? Huh?"



***



"Just ignore him," growled Milliog.



"Aww boss!" Anthraks whined. "He's right! How come we don't got no flags?"



"I said, just ignore him! You don't wanna carry nuffin', ok?"



Anthraks glared at Milliog, before dropping his gaze and instead focussed it on the banner. "I wanna be special too..."



Milliog reached over and slapped him on the back of the head. Anthraks winced, not from pain, but embarrassment, as Larlog's Lashers laughed out loud at his fate. He could see Botoks waving his flag furiously at him.



"There, I hit ya, onna head. Now you're special. So shaddup about yer flag! Besides, look up front. You see dat?"



Anthraks followed the direction of Milliog's outstretched finger. The dwarf ranks were parting to reveal one of their famous war machines.



"You know wot it is? Men calls it 'cannon'. Now if you's got a flag an' yer wavin' it all about like Larlog's lot, wot do ya reckon will happen?



Anthraks stared at Larlog's lot as he pondered the question. Larlog and his boys had all stopped now, and were making motions that suggested Anthraks and his lot knew their boars intimately, and in a way quite unfit for decent orcs.



"Dey aint gonna see us, are dey?" Anthraks looked at Milliog. "Dey're gonna shoot cannon at Larlog, aren't dey? Cos of der flag. Dat's why we aint got no flag? Innit?"



Milliog nodded. "Now ya gots it! Let 'em wave dere silly little flag about, we'll see 'oo ends up 'eadless. Like Seesaw 'ere." Milliog jiggled the little skull about, making its jaw chatter.



"Er...well he ain't headless, is he?" Anthraks suggested.



Milliog looked at Seesaw, before shooting a withering gaze at Anthraks. "Don't you listen to dat nasty orc, Seesaw! You're as headless as der best of 'em!"



Anthraks sighed and adjusted himself in his saddle. He thrust his sword in the direction of the dwarves. "Right, boys - ignore Larlog's lot and get on wiv it!".



***



Larlog watched as Milliog and his boar boys looked away and started moving off. "Awright, Botoks. Dat's enough now."



Botoks was now pointing the flagpole at the boar boys, holding it between his legs , seemingly suggesting that his orchood was quite considerable, and something to be taken seriously by his passing colleagues.



"C'mon, you pig humpers!" he shouted. "Come get some!"



Larlog's boys all laughed at the provocation. Still laughing, Larlog put his hand on Botoks' shoulder. "Awright. Leave 'em be. We's got to get on. Let's be der bigger orc, now, okay?"



Botoks turned away from the boar boys, returning the standard to it's original upright configuration.



"Don't worry boss. I'm der bigger orc, alright..."



***


The Shooting Phase:




Shooting was relatively quiet. We decided that the war machines would not be able to fire in the first turn, which just left the missile units. Bad shooting all round, really, but fortunately, the dwarves managed to get the first kill!


***



Hans watched as the bolt struck home. The orc's head snapped back, before the revolting brute collapsed. He noted with dismay, however, that none of the other Loane Rangers had hit any orcs.


"What's up, chaps? That wall of green over there isn't a hedge, you know?"


Clint Westwood looked at his crossbow. "I dunno, Hans. Something up with these, I reckon."


"With the crossbow? You've heard the phrase, right?" Hans' eyes never left the approaching orcs. "A bad workman always blames his tools."


"Nah, he's right," Flyn Teestwood said, nodding as he did so. "You saw all the bolts - all of them went high. And I'm only four feet tall, so when I say high, I mean high!"


"Look, just get your head in the game, okay? I'm not going to die out here for some bloody condiments, just because you lot can't shoot straight. Get your shit in order!"


Lint Eastward looked past Flyn and Clint, and adjusted his hat. "You alright, Hans? Seem a little edgy."


Hans glared at Lint. "Yeah. I am a little edgy, as it turns out! You'd be too, if you'd watched your colleagues skewering rocks and trees with their shots instead of those really, really close orcs, whose vitality and vigour should've been snuffed out fifty paces ago!"


Splint Ystwud patted Hans on the shoulder. "Come on Hans, take it easy, huh? Is this the retirement thing again?"


Hans grunted as he wound the crossbow back. "Yes. Turns out I don't want to die before I retire, so it abso-bloody-lutely is the retirement thing!"


Lint chuckled as he reloaded. "That the tea shop?"


The Rangers laughed. Splint hefted his crossbow and took aim. "Tea ShopPEE. There's a PEE on the end!" Hans shook his head and sighed.


"Don't worry, Hans," Splint said, raising his own crossbow. "Once this is all done, well all pop down to laugh at you in your little tea shoppy. You'll be back in the army in no time."


Hans took aim for the orcs."I'll be in bloody jail for shooting you lot, is where I'll be!"



***





There was no combat (first turn combat is possible in this game, because of the orc animosity), so we moved straight into reserves.

The Reserves Phase:




A rare and beautiful example of equal opportunity employment and inter-racial co-operation in the Orc & Goblin army:




The state of play at the end of the turn:




On to turn two!


Formatting is always a fuss on forums. If you want to see in it's original incarnation, check out the blog.

[Mr Brown]

Great stuff!
Sadly I missed 3rd Ed. 4th was my first splash into fantasy unit battles.
Fair taken back with 1500pt armies. 3000 seems to be the standard at GW these days. Might need to look out a copy of the older game.
Thanks for posting in such detail.

[Doomhippie]

Great stuff, guys. I love your narratives and I admit I have a soft spot for 80's warhammer. Plus this is a great idea of playing this game transcontontinental, so to speak. I'm really looking forward to turn 2.

[thebinmann]

Amaz stuff

I'd love to have a go!

[Dr. The Viking]

Great scot! That is an amazing undertaking. I'll join you soonish with Jonas, no doubt. 

[Thantsants]

I know part of your remit is to spread the good word of  Warhammer 3rd ed. and in so doing do away with the need for these long distance games but... sign me up too if you ever run out of opponents!

As I always enjoy the narrative and hilarious dialogue bits you include in your reports I hope you won't mind me emulating your style a little in my latest installment of Orc's Drift! 

[rob_alderman]

Fantastic Game, armies and narrative!

I may not play 3rd, but I strive for this kind of game!!!

I love the argument between miniature manufacturers, brilliant! That explains a lot about animosity!!! 

[Nightmask]

I have never stopped playing 3rd edition Warhammer.
Same with 40k Rogue Trader all the way.

Nightmask

[Timbor]

Great work so far!  So how exactly do you figure out all the movement and such when you play the game remotely?  Also, who owns all the wonderful minis?